Ridiculous Things That Trigger My Anxiety But Shouldn't.

ME IN COLLEGE RELAXING

That ten second WWIV of shuffling through my gigantour purse and not being able to feel the cold scratched up plastic of my cell phone against my fingers. Did I feed it to the Ninja Turtles and drop it in the sewer or get pickpocketed by a midget in CVS and not notice?

Grabbing a basket at Publix and not planning accordingly. I came for 3 things yet basket is overflowing with nonsense, am walking with a limp from the burdensome and unbalanced weight I am carrying, yet am too lazy to go to the front and get an actual cart.

Post-sunburn peeling. Why is my face tickling me?! What are all these flaky pieces of skin on my nose that I can see if I cross my eyes hard enough?!

Did I pack a toothbrush!? Because for some reason I think that whatever major metropolitan city I am traveling to, toothbrushes don't exist there. Nope.

Having exact change at the Starbucks drive-thru, then a quarter/nickel/penny/your soul drops down into the abyss that is between your seat and center console. Forget ever finding that again after trying to shimmy your retarded fingers down there. Paying with plastic, thanks.

Being next to a celebrity and dying to tell them how much you love them but then remembering that you're almost in your 30s and adults shouldn't be starstruck over famous people. Instead of giving the celeb the satisfaction of their presence you eye them up and down, judge them, pretend they aren't there, and then tell all your friends how horrible they look in person.

People that respond to my texts with "K". Did I do something wrong textually? Did I offend your future child? I know it's not just me people!

When restaurants don't provide Splenda. Equal equals garbage. Sweet n' Low should just retire and move to Florida already. Yes, I am that girl who carries Splenda in her purse.

When I can't get rings off my fingers. Usually this happens when I sleep with them on like a dumbass. And also when I wear those 2 or 3 finger rings that look a little like brass knuckles. It can never be a nice loose ring that slides off. Fingers are swollen in the morning and my heart starts racing because I can feel my phalanges start to strangle themselves and cry out for help. Ugh.

That guy who cleans your windshield in traffic with water from the Miami River and the "Homeless Voice" newspaper. He, we will call him Bruce for the sake of this anecdote, usually approaches like a sniper and after waving my finger with multiple "No"s, he proceeds to spray and dirty my car.I then roll down the window and the convo is usually as follows:

                                         Me:        "Um, no thanks I'm good, I'm good."
                                   Bruce:    "Ma, I gotchu!" ::flashes his 4 teeth at me::
                                         Me:        "No no no, I'm good thanks" ::proceeds to drive slowly::
                                   Bruce:     "Just tryna hustle ma, I gotchu uknowwhaimsayin" :smiles::

I then give him a dollar or two. He wins and buys a 40.


When paper, especially book paper, is rubbed together. Just kill me right there.

Slipping and falling in the bathtub. When the paramedics arrive and see me laying there naked, ashamed, mid-shampoo and mid-shave, who knows what they will think. At least wrap me up in the shower curtain first. I already had a bad experience when I sprained my ankle in Tahoe.

Passing a tractor trailer. I give myself a mini pep speech beforehand reminding myself that I must pass the truck for my own safety. I assure myself that the driver will see my little car in his side mirror and not crush me against the median or any other vehicle.

Anything that could lead to my teeth falling out. I've dreamt of it, I know what those dreams mean. These teeth are paid for.

Watching ice skating. Every time the skater does some triple-no-se-que jump in the air, there's an 80% chance  his/her ass will be kissing the ice soon after. For such graceful movements, it's really stressful to watch.

Seeing a stray animal. I wish I could be Ace Ventura but I could never pull off the hair and Hawaiian shirts. I will think about the animal and what could have been for another 5 minutes then I'll forget about it and go get a drink.

Driving on the Palmetto Expressway.