This Girl Is Hilarious

Read More

Off On A Tangent Inspired By Recent Actual Events

• It should be legal to commit murder in the women's bathroom at a club/lounge/bar.  Just saying...
• To the road ragers out there, you realize when you threaten to hit my car, your car will be hit too right?
• Nothing cuter than a guy embodying a healthy ratio of the 4 F's: Faith, Family, Friends, Funnyness (it's a real word for the sake of this post.)
• Ladies, your friends are not mad at you because you get drunk but rather because you're super annoying when you get drunk.
• You're either the girl who minds changing in front of her girlfriends, or does not. There is no in between.
• Coco's Licious clothing line, will be sold exclusively at King of Diamonds.
• Yeah, she showed the X-ray but I still think Kim's butt is fake.
• I am put in the most awkward situations ever. Saturday night, at a bar, a man took off his shoes and asked me to "watch them" as he slowly tip-toed away. I watched them though. I'm a woman of my word.
• My idea of sexting is someone telling me I look tan or thin.
• Don't involve people who ARE the looney ex in their old relationship, in business with YOUR looney ex.
• Mom: What are you getting your sister for her 30th birthday? Me:  A UHaul and bridal veil.
• Asparagus is one of the hardest veggies to cook, perfectly.
• I'm glad Hialeah cops get paid to blow kisses... Fighting crime, spreading love.
• Unless you're a monster, there is no way you can watch Lifetime's Coming Home series and not cry your eyes out.
• True Life: I'm Addicted to the Casey Anthony Trial Coverage.

Read More

"A Mother's Prayer for Her Daughter"

So I just finished reading Tina Fey's memoir Bossypants and it was well worth the impulsive purchase. I genuinely love Tina Fey and think she is a multi-talented actress and writer dating way back to her "Weekend Update" days. I had read this excerpt from her book online before I bought it recently but it's way more hilarious (I found myself laughing out loud many times to her book as I waited for spinning class to start)  and fresh in my mind so I wanted to share it and inject some humor into your Monday :)

Tina Fey’s Prayer For Her Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Read More

My Top Five Favorite Things Right Now

• The price of gas has dropped 11 cents in the last  two weeks. I don't know if former Rep. Weiner sexted Big Oil execs, but as prices steadily drop, my smile steadily grows.  LOVE IT! 

• It has been reported that the cast of Jersey Shore will not be recast for a 5th season. MTV, I applaud you. That leaves room for classier shows like Teen Mom and Real World ha. Remember when they used to actually play music videos? 

• Progress, progress, progress! Gay marriage was officially legalized this past Thursday in the state of New York. I believe in love, and I believe in the beauty of marriage. America is clenching its title as "Land of the Free" and its a wonderful thing :)

• The TOMS Movement : One for One. Toms founder created a truly unique concept; create a shoe company in which for every shoe purchased, a pair of shoes will be donated to a child in need. With uber-comfortable shoes, and newly added clothing and eye-wear, each purchase makes a tremendous worldwide impact. How do you wear your Toms? Check them out at www.toms.com

• Doodle 4 Google.If you don't know what that is, then GOOGLE it! One of my dream jobs is to be the designer of Google's logo when they change it for special occasions, remembrances, holidays, events, etc. I think it's the coolest thing ever. Recently they had a guitar one where you could actually play the guitar with the swipe of your mouse and record your creations. Or the PacMan one that was a fully functional actual PacMan game. It killed time at work that's for sure. They are incorporating worldwide interaction with modern technology and art, brilliant. Here are some examples and I look forward to the ones to come.

Read More

Weekend Roundup

So I will be doing a weekly Friday post in preparation for the weekend to follow. We live in a colorful city full of little gems to explore, so take advantage!

June is Miami Romance Month, who would have thought! So feel the love in the air and share it with those you stalk, jock, like, or love. <3

Friday, June 24th

Now that the basketball craze has died down a bit, Duffy's is opening its first Miami location today, boasting to be the "largest sports grill in South Florida". Sprawled on a 25,000 sq. ft. waterfront space, it certainly fits the bill. Here are some deets: 

  Duffy's North Miami Beach

3929 NE 163 St, North Miami Beach 

·    
      

·         · 500 feet of dockage

·         · 200 plasma TVs/ 700 seats

·         · $6.99 weekday lunch

·         · $7.95 weekend brunch

·         · $6 Ketel One

·         · $4 Captain Morgan

·         · 6 styles of wings

·         · 2-for-1 happy hour daily from 4pm till close

·       · 1 pool 

Saturday, June 25

      You could wake up at 7 am, down a Finesse shake, and stumble out the door in preparation for a 9 mile run on Biscayne Boulevard tomorrow with my Jungle Fitness fam and me OR explore other options that won't destine you to dehydration and tingling legs. Your choice, I  already know mine.

Yoga in the Park

      How about some Yoga in Bayfront Park? Held outdoors by the bay, these classes offer a unique atmosphere to relax and invigorate at the same time. All participants must be at least 18 years old and will have to sign a waiver. Registration is on a first come, first serve basis and the instructor will determine when the class is "full." Bring your own yoga mat, water, and towel. All classes taught by a certified yoga teacher, well I would hope. Classes are located at the Tina Hills Pavilion (south end of the park). In the event of rain, classes will take place in the Bayfront Park office. Times: Mon. & Wed.: 6 p.m.-7:15 p.m.; Sat.: 9 a.m.-10:15 a.m.  Beginners, intermediate and advanced welcome.

Breakfast and Tea Party

The current Miss Miami, Melissa Ramirez, is hosting a free breakfast and tea party from 8 am to noon for young girls from age 3 and up. She is trying to get 500 signatures for a petition to the Miami-Dade County School Board to keep the "Arts Programs Alive". Beauty and brains?! Go Melissa! Right in my neighboorhood too!   Frames USA & Art Gallery   6822 SW 40th St.Miami, FL 33155

                                         

Martin Lawrence

Okay, so he's banned from Saturday Night Live for being a little distasteful, but bad boy Martin Lawrence never fails to make us howl with laughter.  He's here in Miami Saturday night for what will definitely be a good stand up show. Let's hope he doesn't get out of line, or maybe that's what we are waiting for!

When/where/what: 8 p.m. at the James L. Knight Center, 400 SE Second Ave., Miami; 305-416-5977 or www.jlkc.com; $55-$75.

Gotta love him!

ArtOfficial

ArtOfficial will be at Jazid on Miami Beach performing for their local fans. Always must support my boy Danny on the keyboard!  They will be performing hits from their newly mixed album so if all else fails, chill out on the beach to some good music. 1342 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach, FL 

Sunday, June 26th


Long night? Reaching for that bedside bottle of aspirin and water? Pace yourself champ! Sundays are not meant to stay in bed! They are full of exciting and endless possibilities contrary to the ridiculously monotonous work week that will soon follow. Most of us should be showing our faces at some sort of church or perform some sort of spiritual cleansing after our weekend antics, but who am I to judge? 


Long Live Mimosas!

One of my favorite venues, Town Kitchen & Bar, along with their week long specials and great happy hours, features a Sunday special (Saturday too) that boasts $15 unlimited mimosas and 2-for-1 Bloody Marys from 8 am till 1 pm. A good place to unwind and recall the weekend's events (hopefully you all can).   7301 SW 57 CT, 2 blocks south of Sunset Place.

Cafeina "Brunch n' Bazaar"

       I would like to marry whoever came up with the concept of brunch. It's genius. I also like to shop. Cafeina, a little gem in the heart of Wynwood, decided to mix the two and on Sundays, in conjuction with Launche Arte, features an outdoor dining and open-air market experience.

        Guests enjoy $20 two-hour unlimited mimosas backed by the sounds of DJs Ess & Emm. Executive Chef Leo Gutierrez has created a completely new menu just for the weekly wind-down featuring health-conscious treats, and fresh dishes prepared to cure hangovers. Their goat cheese croquetas are sinfully delicious and staffed with expert "mixologists", their cocktails are made exactly how you want them and their libations are utterly fantabulous. It's the type of place where you tell the bartender, "suprise me" after asking what you would like to drink.  Pets are welcome as well, love it! Take advantage of Cafeina's happy hour during the week as well, this place tends to steepen its beverage prices on evenings and busier nights. Back to Sunday, roam around, browse the vendors, and have a drink because tomorrow will be Monday :(

297 Northwest 23rd Street
Miami, FL 33127

In celebration of the first official week of summer, have an amazing and fruitful weekend!

Read More

10 brands that will not be around in 2012! Icanbelievable!

Pretty interesting read this morning. Shows you just how temporal our world really is. Each year 24/7 Wall St., a newsletter steered towards our money hungry global investors, compiles a list of brands that will disappear in the near future. Their predictions, based on numbers, money and fancy business stuff that I'd rather not tap into, have been pretty on point. They predicted the fall of T-Mobile (which was just purchased by AT&T) and Blockbuster (which fell at the mercy of Netflix, a company sent down to us from the movie gods). Let's not ignore the fact that they have miscalculated as well, as with their predictions with BP, which surprisingly has made a comeback with its "genuine" $100 million post-oil spill advertising campaign.
So here goes, say your possible goodbyes accordingly:

1. Sony Pictures - Put simply, Microsoft and Nintendo are destroying it with their gaming competition while Apple is murdering it with their electronics.
2. A&W - When is the last time you've had an A&W Root Beer or Cream Soda? Exactly.
3. Saab - Every time I say this word, I cringe a little. GM purchased most of this automobile company and we all know the issues GM had here on its homefront. Saab's vehicles are surprisingly expensive,  and their popularity is really not that high, especially amongst younger drivers. It is now owned by a random Chinese group, and is considered financially dead.
4. American Apparel - This makes me sad. Founded by Dov Charney , a hippie-ish Los Angeles based man with the dream of eradicating sweat shops and child labor. His mission, which he stuck to ever so dearly, was to create a simple clothing and accessories line whose products were to be manufactured strictly in North America. Genius. However, with the raise in cotton prices and with competition like Forever 21, H&M (which have considerably cheaper products) American Apparel is struggling. Oh and let's not forget, he's been in and out of court defending multiple sexual harassment cases against him.
5. Sears - Sears still exists?! Sears Holdings, the parent company of Sears and Kmart is struggling. Kmart has major issues and economists predict that Sears stores will be thrown to the wolves, and they will focus on revamping Kmart, which has performed horribly under the shadows of Target and Wal-Mart. I guess even the Britney Spears and newly contracted "Kardashian Kollection" clothing lines can't save it.
6. Sony Ericcson - No, not the Key Biscayne tennis tournament, but rather the electronics company. With its really weird phones (I owned one a long time ago) and heavy competition with RIM's Blackberry and Apple's IPhone, this brand is gearing towards obsolescence.
7. Kellog's Corn Pops - "I gotta have my Pops!" My household growing up was more of a Kellog's Frosted Flakes and Raisin Bran (ugh) domicile but Corn Pops was definitely always a favorite of mine. The commercials were genius and catchy! Fast forward about 15 years and with our nation being so health-obsessed, even though we are the most unhealthy and account for the world's highest obesity concentratioon, some jerk decided that Kellog's Corn Pops was a bad choice with its sugars, fats, and some chemical BHT used in embalming fluid. Okay we get it. Here's to fast food chains and big tobacco doing better than ever! Way to go America!
8. MySpace - Obvs. We all took part in Tom's creation but now we channel our addictions to Facebook and Twitter . MySpace is now known as an excellent site for creeps, pornstars, basement bands, and criminals. It's still free though and it did launch many careers for celebrities and Tila Tequila. Give credit where it's due...
9. Soap Opera Digest - Wow I never saw this one coming! Let's be real, yes I have dedicated some summers in high school to soap operas, but you can miss a year of episodes, get back to the show, and not have missed a beat. Also, it's 2011, with the craziness of online episodes, DVRs and Tivo, there is no need to buy this little magazine at Publix's checkout, so that you can catch up on what you may have missed. Instead, pick up The Enquirer or OK! Magazine and pat yourself on the back for purchasing relevant and trustworthy publications.
10. Nokia - I will quote the article that says "Nokia is dead." I think this was everyone's first cell phone brand. They had cool removable covers, and were pretty ginormous. Whoever you were with, they had a spare charger for you just in case. Again, companies like LG, Samsung, Blackberry, and Apple are putting this little guy to shame. So long Nokia...

Happy Thirsty Thursday everyone. Hydrate.

Read More

It's either this, or I write a book about my mother.

The time has finally come. You're nobody until you start a blog. Enjoy!

Read More